The door that should never be opened will be cracked open for air

     Before I get to the dark and depressing stuff I believe I should tell you what lead to this confession. I was told by one of my roommates that he was going to move out if his lease was up and so he left the apartment to check. I immediately looked up plane tickets back to New York because I hated when I got to the point of no return. I have enough, probably a little less by now for next month's rent. I am trying my best to write this book, but I know that it won't be enough to cover every month of rent until I graduate. So I hit up my mother and asked her if I could move back home, but my roommate came back and said that his lease wasn't up until august. I still wanted to leave, but I decided to just try to get a loan to cover me until I graduate. I have to wait until they email me back my username, but this is what lead me to showing you part of my true self.

     I am a fake, someone that wears a mask, but not never the same one. I was a kid brought up on negativity and hate, hate towards my father, but was brought onto me by my brothers. It was probably during that time that I put on my first mask, my imperfect, but beautiful mask. It is easy to fake a persona when you have done it for so long, but it is hard at the same time. You want someone to break that mask for you and all the mask in your collection, but you know that will cripple you. You would be lost and wouldn't find your place in society. I realized that the person at the rave that I didn't recognize was really my true self. It has been so long that I couldn't recognize him. The Desmond now masturbates just to hurt and not feel anything at all, to be like everyone else. It is better than cutting myself

     There are times that I want to be real, but I don't know what that looks like. The Desmond at the rave truly enjoyed his self, but I can only get that when I go to raves. I want to travel and see different people and go to raves across the world. At this point I will probably be homeless before I get to see that person again, but let us talk about something else besides money.

      I met people at the rave and added them on my Facebook, so what do I do if they want to to hang out with me. I can't just fake emotions that I know nothing about because they would recognize that I wasn't the same person and they wouldn't like me. I understand that being tough is great when people are trying to tear you down, but why are you tough if there are people in your life that want to fix you right back up. I have all these scars that I get when I fall and it proves that I am real, that I can get hurt and not just take it. I have to wait for it to heal and feel the pain, I can't just ignore it entirely. 

     I guess I need a loving hug and to meet people that want to travel with me. Help me break down the barriers in my heart and show me that it is worth living. This isn't a cry from someone contemplating suicide, but a cry from someone that won't commit suicide because I don't want anyone to say that they say it coming.