Broken

Looking at my life all I can say is that I am broken. A kid that went to too many funerals in his life and knows what it means to be broke. The fear of having no money so you stay at a relative's place is known well in this 20 year old's mind. It seems that this fate will follow me to the end because even though I try for a job, it seems like none of them want to call me back. If I do get money it is not enough to live because the funds only cover as much as I can get full. It is only when you do not have money that your stomach can handle not being full. Truthfully, that is the worst and it seems my fully cracked window will be broken tomorrow. I had to have my father pay for my rent and that really pissed me of that I had to do it. He did not pay the late fees so I have a feeling I will get kicked out for the 100 dollars that I owe and it was the late fees that were not paid. I need money so I can live near by school and attend. Then again even when I do get money for living expenses I know I will not be able to live off of it for a long time. I need a job, but no one wants to call me back. I have to go to school on monday to see if there is any work study jobs available. That will only work if I do not get kicked out tomorrow. Let us hope that I am not broken today.

Cheat

Cheating can involve a lot of things like cheating on a test, cheating on someone, cheating on a diet and much more. Is cheating ever a good thing or is it completely bad. You may cheat at something big for someone and it is a good thing the person you did it for. Do not do it because you feel bad after doing it and if you continue to do it there will be a point when you do not care to do it. It will be an everyday thing to you and you would have to live life as a cheat.

Eyes

I have dark brown eyes, yet every time I look in the mirror it appears as black as the night sky. When I was younger I could see the light in my eyes and I loved my eyes. Now all I get is pain when I look. These dead black eyes of mine that my father gave me. Made me feel like I would always be a disgrace to him and anyone around me. He told me that I need to dress up and look a certain way because I represented him. No one told him to give me his name. I hated my name because it wasn't mine. The funny thing is that no one in my family called me by his name, but by my nickname. That was great, but in school I was always called by his name. It did not burn as much, but then again no one knew him so that may be the reason. My eyes were still bright then and I was still a weird lovable kid. It wasn't until I saw him again that my eyes became dark and so did my mind. Always brought to a stop on those dark nights that the moonlight came in. The light that was not to be allowed, but still tried to come in. I cannot remember a day I was happy around him or when I was happy with my pupils. I try not to look at these dark eyes because when I look at them I cannot see anything and at this point I can't tell if that is good or bad.

Broke

I know the word way to well since I grew up broke and it follows me till this day. Lets talk about the present rather than the future. Right now I am sitting in my apartment knowing that my rent is due. What will I do nothing since I tried applying for jobs with none of the jobs coming back to me? Luckily my brother gave me money for rent last month, but last month was a good week ago since it was late. I tried to reach my dad for two months, but that did not work since he did not receive my text. I finally go through today and he told me that his text do no come through. It is whatever though I though he could help since he never paid my mother child support to help raise me, but his respond was that he had no money. My mom as awesome as she is does not have any money and I also did not want to bother her. The reason for that is because my aunt just died last week and I wanted her to process it without me bothering her. The funny thing is it is my birthday monday and the funeral happens to be the same day. It is only my twentieth so there is always next year to actually get some calls from my mother. Ha truthfully the only reason I care about it is because I have a friend that will take me out for a movie and some food for my birthday. It is great because all I have to do is survive two day for it because this is the fourth day without eating. I did eat a blueberry muffin, but I could not even swallow it without the help of water. Also getting a job does not seem possible since I should be getting a physical next week for the marines so I can do basic training. I doubt I will pass it since I cannot even eat food without the need to water it down first. Dropped out of school and joined the marines so I can get away from it all, but it seems like before I can even ship out I will either die of starvation or be kicked out onto the streets and die of starvation there. You can only hope that a friend will let you stay at his place if that happens, but I am not there yet. All I know is that I am really hungry. That is what I have been up to the past two weeks.

Free the nipple

When it comes to conversations with my friends it gets to the point where we discuss some intellectual things and it makes sense. I said something about free the nipple and one of my friends asked what is wrong with freeing the nipple and this was my response. Also I believe I have stated my gender before even though it should not matter, but I am a male. The whole movement makes sense dude because men sexualize women to the point that it does not make sense for them to roam free in a bikini or shirtless and not be thought as sexual. I watch so many shows when female and male have to be nude and I know that it is for the show that this is necessary and it is not seen as sexual to me.

Mystery

I send multiple text messages to my dad hoping for him to respond or send me money so I pay my rent and other bills. I have been wondering why no one has kicked my roommate and I out yet and then I remembered. A new company took over and this was the month when the lease had to be renewed. When if you did not pay you probably were not staying and that is probably what they think of us. I want to pay, but I do not have the funds and the person who has yet to do anything for me. My father has his pride does not want to even respond to me and look at all of my texts begging for money. It is the only thing I can do to you know live. I cannot do anything because I am broke. So broke getting food is not really an option. I guess my being strong triggered this because he wanted an obedient son and I cannot be obedient to someone who does not know me enough to actually like me. I do not want to change for anybody especially my dad and I need money badly.

Drenched

Drenched in solitude the young man sat. Drenched in solitude the young man walked. The young man found himself looking at a fountain. The fountain showed images of fame. The fame came with the lose of pride. The young man took a sip and his body was ripped away from the fountain thoughts were the only thing that remained. He coukd not do anything, but see. His thoughts could only float without a body holding it. What to do without anything to keep him grounded to the fountain. Left with nothing to do the thoughts wait. Waited for its body to reform again.
This is a story I sent to my father and later on put on my Facebook page. I made the story after texting my day for the 40th time. I need my dad to pay my rent because I am currently broke and he has yet to even try to respond back to me. That story came out of what I was feeling. I am close to getting kicked out of my apartment because I cannot pay and he is not helping at all. It seems my life of a writer is starting now. Well I will keep you guys posted.

Money

I think that life is a funny thing because I grew up hearing on the television that money is the root of all evil and that usually it is some sort of curse. You need money to eat and to pay for rent and every other bill you may have. Right now I have a balance due to my school and after a month of trying to find financial aid to pay it I got dropped. Now I did not drop out well I guess I did. It just wasn't my decision to do so. My whole world is kind of crashing down because I do not have enough money to pay the rent and I actually like to you know live in my own room. I called my school today so I can get some financial aid to pay off my balance and to get myself some living expenses, but I was told that I would have to re-enroll in order to use financial aid. I thought this was strange, but I was told to call the education office and then I was transferred to the business office. They told me the only way I could re-enroll was to pay off the balance, but the only way I could get financial aid was to re-enroll. It seems like an event made so that you had to get a job to pay off the balance, which would put you out of school for a while and you would have to pay off your other loans as well because it would take you long to pay off both at a time. Going back to school would seem like a far dream unless you had money and if you had money you would not be in this mess in the first place. Truthfully right now I am looking into scholarships, but scholarships take months to actually tell you if you won any type of award. I would like to know what to do in this situation.

News

I never really liked looking at the news even when I was younger because it was boring it did not feel like something that I would ever want to watch. You learn things that you would not know unless people talk about it. Things that makes people have a certain feeling from that specific topic. Even know I cannot stand to watch the news. I know what is going on because of the certain shows that I watch and because it is a topic of interest of people that I come across. I do not have something to say about what is happening. I could say I do not care, but that would seem wrong. I am simply disinterested in wanting to know what happened. I want to be out of any type of light because that is what keeps you out of trouble seeming even a little bit noticeable is what get you noticed. I try not to start any trouble and it seems to have kept me from any type of well trouble. Now not everyone can follow what I do because sometimes it is a wrong time wrong place or you are just dealing with some horrible people and you cannot help that . I truly hate people and I smile and act like I like them so even if they hate me I am able to act like I do not hate them. That does not always work because some times the hate is so strong you cannot stop yourself from showing your hate. If you feel like that exact moment is the end then show all of your cards. Why keep hidden something when you are going to bust anyway.

Looks

I found myself wanting to get through the barrier of the definitions of my. I can only really see people that I can relate to with one sort of style, but here I am exploring different styles. It is probably because I am away from my mother that I even think of doing it and actually doing it. It may be a lot of work to do it, but I have fun being different and it brings some happiness.

Emotions

The feelings that I got from life were something that I used to explain to people, but now I am just full of logic. You can die and reborn into something that is not something you used to be. A monster, beast, or something greater. Now I am not saying that I died or anything of the like, but since I left my dad's house it is getting harder and harder to tell if I actually feel anything. It is not about caring about the pointless things, it is about everything. I am a blank whiteboard without any permanent markers to leave things up for a long time. Those things my emotions just get erased after I write them down and I do not feel the need to wonder if I should care that it was erased. All the weakness and gains I used to have are gone. I killed a bug in the shower yesterday. Now that would probable not strike anybody as odd, but a year ago I would have got out the shower and left the bug to do its' business, but I killed it and did not flinch. I guess the person that never really molded me into something tried to shape me and happened to take apart the things that made me something human. Now I feel I can never truly be that person anymore.

School

It is weird that in this world that we have to find ourselves through a system that is flawed. It is flawed because we learn things that are not really going to help us in the long run. For me I hated english comp, but I know that it would be needed for my future. Then we have algebra truthfully I have not used algebra since I came out of high school. I have used basic math, but not algebra. I found that life is not as pointless college wise. I only say that because of the friends I made here and the connections. I like the connections, but I do not know if a lifetime of debt is really worth it. I could have taken a year off traveled the world and would have probably got way more experiences and did not have to be reminded of how I would need to pay off a large sum of money at the end. We then have the people who graduate and cannot find jobs when they really need them. They never go into the field that they need to go into. I would love to say that will not be me, but if my F.A. does not go through I will probably get kicked out and I only have a month or two to live off of. If I get kicked out I will probably take whatever I have in my bank account and travel. It is not a great idea, but I have no idea what I would do if I get kicked out. I do not like the idea of becoming homeless or returning home so what can I do, but travel or go to the military. Since I hate the idea of cutting my hair traveling seems like the best idea for me.

Comics

A comic/manga could have a great story, but once it is shown that someone mainly a heroine is wearing misleading clothes. It is a smut or it changes into something that just puts more thoughts into fan service than plot. Life sucks dude.

Left

I looked at my post about leaving for a week and I see that I came back way later. As an otaku I am sorry that took later than what I posted. So I will give you a post about my intellectual thoughts now.

Looking at life i see my friends talk about injustice and I do not now if I truly care. I want to care, but I can't. I may be a sociopath, but I do not think that I am the only one. If I care what does that change. Does it make me any better of a human. I help people most of the time, not because of some moral compass, but because I can and I am there. I listen to others to learn exactly what makes them feel what they feel. I have no idea about this life that we live because it truthfully does not matter to me. I am bored all the time and I say it like an annoyed preteen. What is funny is that I want to know what love is. That is my one true vice because it seems like the most gut wrenching, but wanted emotion. My friends say that it I am always bored because I am. I could be doing the most exciting thing in the world and I would be totally bored. Life is meant for the living and not for the dead. The dead are the ones here to caused destruction. As one of the dead living in society I want to be able to enjoy the pleasures of this sick and venomous life. I want to be someone who can be destruction, but is know as a healer. That is the mind of one who roots for the villian.

Fast lanes

We go on in our lives believing that we should be right by our parents and do what they want us to do. Stripping away any part of imagination that makes us special. We should just keep ourselves weird, creepy and as nice as we want to be.

Ranting

The brown person in society isn’t the African American or whatever you want to call them. Black people are called black, but you would wonder why they are not called brown. Is it because the skin of a black person can actually become black? That is something that is not just limited to black people if that is the case. Middle eastern people are mostly or actually regularly called brown people. It makes no sense why getting into a group involves your skin color. Then again it is not like anyone is going to call his or her white friend Caucasian. The world was messed up way before my time. Then again I am as racist as the rest of the masses. I cannot stand the idea of dating girls of my own race and I love women of other races. This mind of mine is forever unstable to the point I find nothing wrong with being friends with the other sex. That people see being friends with a girl is basically you flirting with her for the sake of sex. This applies to everyone because being friends with anyone means that you may want to have sex with them. I kind of have no idea how this became me ranting about other stuff about race, but then again I am not one to talk about race or politics.

The hot chick standards

To guys and girls there is a standard for talking to someone good looking or someone you like. You cannot like the profile picture and if you just added the person you definitely cannot like any pictures. Why is that? It was explained to me that it looks like you are thirsty the basic word for someone who is trying to hard to get someone to date or sleep with them. Does it really help to hold back on what you want to do and to not initiate a conversation because of it. Don't you lose any type of hope that could have been with that person? Isn't it odd to believe that it is okay not to hit them up because you are afraid of some rules. I believed in this rule for a long time before I was alone for a year wanting some friendship. I find that it is better to keep talking to them because sometimes that other person wants to talk to you. We the person who likes that person will never know because we believe that we would bother them. I am single and it is not something I try to be, but I still have that shyness within me. I talk to others so I can make friends because at this point being lonely is not cool. I wish I can just talk to the girl I like one day and tell her I like her, but I am cool just talking to the girls that I know at the moment.

Truthfully

We detect lies in any place that we visit and we cannot detect the lies that we make. In our lies we believe what we are doing is what is best for us. I for instance, cannot see that I lie to myself and use the word freedom to keep me going. I want to explore the world and find out what is in that new part that is old to others. It can have the same struggles that my world has, but the surrounds are completely didn't. We learn from the mistakes the world gives its occupants. There are also gains that we can learn and bring back to our small little world. The whole world needs to mix together and see if we can fight what plagues us. I need to take in my mistakes and make it something that people like. That is my small truth.

Perfection

We are told that being perfect is the dream, but we do not buy that actual product. In life perfection is common or what we know as popular. We buy into something that others have in the multitude just to satisfy others. What is the purpose of that if we do not really understand why we are doing it? Unique is also a word that it for sale that we want. We are called unique as an insult because what it means is that we have something wrong with us. We strive to be ourselves, but we are restricted by others because of it. We fight to keep ourselves, but instead get chained by insults made by others who do not understand us. If we are different, then why should we be so special by being different from everyone else. It hurts to know that it is hard to be unique or weird without being called a hipster. I wish we could just be called us and not something else. We are people too, call me by my name because I hate being cast into a group. I am what I am and I am whatever made me, my experiences, my life, and whatever struggles I had in life. Let's stop with this perfection law and starting showing flaws because that makes us glow way more.

Probably be my last post.

My journey continues to got to the point where I do not know my end point. Do I go to jail for something that I felt I needed to do or do I continue on my path? As kids we are brought up to follow a path made by our parents, but what happens if you are weird. Your parent basically doesn't want you to follow the path you want to follow. They believe that the path you are on will cause you to fail and lead you on a path of well debt. Truthfully failure is how people find who they are. We are always in a cage only being let out when our guardian decides it. What if we break the lock to get out? We find ourselves doing something somewhat immoral, but this is for our dream. We will do anything to make it happen, well not anything, but close enough. I still have yet to truly start my journey and my troubles will be the key to find it out even I find myself scarred along the way.