New video is up

Tired of not having a phone to upload my vine videos, I put up a video on Youtube last night. In it I explain the things that I go through and a little more stuff. Have a good weekend guys and enjoy the video.

Depression takes many different forms and I am molded by it. #NoEdits

This week I have been falling deeper in depression and it isn't because I had something devastating, well it is to me. My phone's motherboard is fried and I have to buy a phone in order to get a new one. I have been living these past few days without music and it sucks because that is when I can smile and relax. Skating and hearing music in my earphones, hoping next week I can get a new phone.

Depression has been with me since high school, always saying that I was bored doing a fun outing and I wasn't lying to myself. Now it is more frequent, I am bored every second, even if I am playing a fun game or watching an incredible show. I am not satisfied by anything and it is sad living in a world where nothing makes you happy. The only thing that made me happy was listening to music while I skate. I sit down and watch the walls, these white walls that cry out to me. I lay down to sleep and wake up, more tired than when I laid my head done. These walls speak to me, but I don't respond.

It took me a few days to realize that I didn't have to starve. I have about 30 cents in my bank account and it took me four days to realize that I bought a big box of ramen for this occasion.  I could say it is because I am absent minded or because I was too tired to realize that I bought it.  The truth is I don't care about food and I don't really want to eat because I like my body skinny. I think my body is too skinny at times, but I never change it because I was called fat as a child. I want to remain as skinny as possible so that I will never be called that again.

Love is something I won't allow myself to get because I don't even love myself. I don't know what love is and I don't want to. Why would I get into a relationship when I have so many problems of my own. I don't want anyone to see me go through things and I definitely don't want to talk about. My feelings are already killing me and there isn't a way to stop in.

How are you hating on people when are someone that doesn't like hate?

     On Sunday I was staying at a friend's apartment and we were just hanging out. I hang out with him because he seems like a pretty cool guy, but he isn't the best. I should have been able to tell that he wasn't a great person because he will say something like, "he is okay with a certain group of people, but." You don't say that type of thing unless you don't want to sound like you are being hateful.
      Apparently Magic Johnson has a son that is gay and he is very flamboyant. He wears clothes that makes him happy. It could be considered women's clothing, but it shouldn't matter what he wears. So, this "friend", thinks that it is shameful for him to wear all of that because his father is Magic Johnson. If his father wasn't someone that survived a disease and hadn't been famous, you would be okay with it.
      Listen, that is his life so you should let him live it instead of being judgmental. I hate people sometimes. Also, I have an article up on Odyssey, so read and look at stuff, I guess. Trying not to drop this guy entirely.

https://www.theodysseyonline.com/hear-me-talk-about-suicide-and-depression-and-life-alright

A don't need a custom photo to show I support

     As you now, I am a big supporter of being the person that you want to be. I have been called gay before because of the way I look and act and at this point I stopped caring. I even have a gay twitter and I act like I act like I am gay at times. It pisses me off that people act this way anymore. What pisses me off more than anything is that people are accusing muslims for being the cause of a tragedy that transpired today.
      I don't like that we are going back to 9/11 tactics, that we are blaming a group of people for a certain person's action. Please don't tell me that 9/11 was worse because I am not comparing the damage of the two events. I live in florida and I feel like I am back in Brooklyn. It is worse than Brooklyn at this point and that is sad.
       If you have a problem with someone or a group of people then keep that shit inside. It will kill you slowly and then you will be the only death caused by your hands. As my right eye dries and I realizes that my motto was always right. In my own fucking words, "Animals over humans any day."

Small things I missed out for friendship.

     I like to do volunteer work, but I missed it because i was hanging out late with friends. It was fun and I didn't go to sleep until 4. I would blame it on the fact that I barely got any sleep, but truthfully I forgot the event was today. I thought it was next Saturday and I was wrong about that. I am sad that I missed an event again because I was hanging out with my friends. This something I didn't do in my first year of college. I was focused on work and using my free time going to volunteer events.
      I graduate soon so I want to have fun with my life before I have to start it. Loneliness follows the ones that are bored and I am trying to stop that. I went through some things that made me feel that way again, but I am slowly bouncing back. Talking about friends, one of my friends is enforcing Static Shock. A trailer for Injustice 2 came out this week and we got no mention of Static Shock. A hero that we were told would be in this game. So, my friend Tony Black has gotten the attention of the voice actor of Static from the television show.
       So if you want to support a bunch of kids that want to see one of their childhood heroes in a big DC video game, help us out. https://www.change.org/p/edward-john-ed-boon-let-s-get-static-shock-in-injustice-2?recruiter=419789154&utm_source=share_petition&utm_medium=facebook&utm_campaign=share_facebook_responsive&utm_term=mob-xs-no_src-custom_msg&recuruit_context=fb_share_mention_variant&fb_ref=Default

You have to love when you mess up a good thing

     So, if you didm't know, I have this thing when I shut down and another personality takes over. It is something I have had to deal with lately because I had my mind preoccupied by school. I was taken away from my everyday and now it is happening again. Rewind to Saturday and I am having the time of my life and everything is right. It is just a regular day and I am not worrying about anything.
      At one point I feel weird and just want to be quiet, this should of been the first sign of something bad about to happen, but I continue on with the day. I do some bad things and it made me feel gross, so gross to the point that I threw up. I mean a lot of liquid came out of my body and I felt so bad. I stopped after a while and I went off on my own. That was bad on my part because I didn't notify anyone on where I was going. I was wrong for that and I apologized for that, but I couldn't hang out with my friends anymore at that point.
      Today I got a text telling me that it would be best if I just didn't see them at all and truthfully I am hurt. I stopped feeling alone at a point and now I am back to the stage I was in high school. Keeping to myself. I have those moments that I wish I could redo and that is one of them, but what can I do. I guess make better decisions, but I will be here feeling bad at what I did. Have a good day.

We all have things that we regret doing

I did a lot of things that weren't right in high school and even in college. I think the worst thing that I did in high school was being a side hoe. I was messing around with a girl while she was with her boyfriend, then when she broke up with my friend I hooked her up with another one of my friends. I know I suck as a human being and i was terrible, but I am not that person anymore. I am not even that active anymore.
     Like i said we all have something we regret doing. My dad is someone that did something that he should regret, but doesn't. He left my mother high and dry, didn't pay child support once he left, and beat my brothers even though they weren't his kids. I regret being evil, but I don't think he regrets it at all. You got to love someone that hides behind a god when they do bad things. I am done ranting for the night and if you are reading this dad. Thank you for bringing me into this world and not raising me at all. This is from the son you will never know because you weren't there to watch me grow.

Just when you think you won't be alone anymore, you get that feeling of isolation

     I sit in a well lit room, hungry, lonely, and emotional. As you may have guessed, I made friends recently, and it is oh so fun being around them, but now I am alone. I have days when I am not with them, but truthfully every time I am around them I have fun. It is something new because usually I am alone for a long period of time, but I have opened myself up to them. I felt that loneliness I felt a while back going away. Then I saw a snap of some hanging out with them. I say someone because the person and I at this point aren't friends.
     Usually I wouldn't react, but today I felt weird not hanging out with them and as time passes I don't care. This doesn't mean that I am repressing my feelings, but I am losing interest. Something I thought I lost a few months ago, but it seems that I am able to just lose interest very fast.
     Now I can go to my apartment and sleep on it or I can stay here and do work. I mean a lot of work, so much that I may have to get food on my skate to the apartment. That is a lie since I live off of water. Good night my people and don't fall into the bottomless pit of isolation because it is very easy to fall back in once you get out.

Finding out that Trailer park people aren't trash

     Hate me, love me, I don't care because I am an awesome person that has two awesome playlist on Soundcloud. I hope you saw my new hair-do and if you haven't then you are missing out. I would of made a video, but I haven't been in my apartment at all week. I have been learning about that trailer park lifestyle. It is really fun and I actually enjoy it.
     Only downside is that there isn't any free wifi at all, so I am basically off the grid whenever I am there. It is fun because I meet some good people there and learned that hollywood has lied to me again. Now there are a bunch of rednecks that live there, but there are some real down to earth people that live there. They actually tried to help my friend with his car problem, it wasn't fixed because we didn't give it enough time to sit and that was our fault.
     I will be out there for the rest of week and I hope that I don't get to used to it and I still need a job because rent day is coming up and I am still broke.

Lover's pain and a hurt knee

     Drinks and cigarette smoke find themselves around me, but I see kids in my dreams. Am I dreaming of having kids and smoking in my future. I doubt it because I have been against acting like the normal, the part of society that wants me to be like them. I have thought about smoking and drinking during that dark year. I believe I turned 18 and the first think that I thought about was smoking because that is the legal age to smoke. I have never smoked and I won't ever because a few of my friends are allergic to smoke. I swear white people are always ruining my fun.
       I wouldn't smoke, it is just something I thought I would need, to face the hard times and I didn't use it. I just sat in the dark emotions that was my life. I already have a gross addiction that I need to get rid of and I am hoping that it is gone one day. Anyway, my leg hurts from that week off of skating and it has yet to get readjusted. I feel like I am making it worse and I just found out that my brother is having trouble with his leg because of basketball. Then again he is old, so that is probably the reason. I cut my hair and I hope to record something tomorrow and you can see the new do. I have a feeling my friend is close by so I will let you do what you planned for the day.

Listening to uplifting money and feeling like crap

      I am something that destroys everything in his path and it makes me happy when I meet people that I can't destroy. They are awesome human beings that I wouldn't want to hurt at all, so what do you do when they are too much for you. They are people that love you more than you can love yourself or anyone else. What do you? I just make sure that I can do anything for them and make sure I don't let them down. I hate myself and I have to thank my lovely father for that.
     He made me realize that I hate myself and love my niece and nephew more. They were my everything when I was in that house. I felt like I was dying and the only thing that saved me was their picture on my phone. I love my little mixed ones because they give me hope for a better future, a future they will never know my dad. I don't want kids or a relationship with anyone because I fear I will become like my dad. Someone that feed on the emotions of others by making them feel crappy. He doesn't become parasitic until you marry him and then he tries to destroy you.
     He isn't the reason I feel like crap, but he is the reason I don't like getting to close to anyone. I am always asked why I'm not in an relationship and i am afraid to tell anyone. Tell them that I may be the reason a girl cries and all I will have for her is a hug in my cold hands. Hoping that she will warm me up and we can be warm together, but I will be lonely for happiness sake. I am too nice to cause pain, so I will leave my mark on the world without marking up the world. You can show up without interrupting the party.

Sleepless night, missing headphones, and growling stomachs

     There isn't anything worse than meeting a deadline because all of a sudden you have a deadline to meet. This month we have to submit our work before class and I hate it, but I can do it. It makes me realize that I could be spending my weekend doing it early and I wouldn't have to do it later on. That isn't going to happen because I have a life. All hail the mighty where did you come from totem. You feel like hell and someone pays for your food and you can't pay them back because you are broke and you feel disgusting.
     I am now integrated into a white family and I have no idea how that happened. I am just my normal self and bam I am called two people's bestie. I don't have enough energy for all of this. I realized that I am actually on the path for graduation and have no idea what I am going to do afterward. I can go into songwriting, but I would be a self taught songwriter.
     For the first time ever I have a group of people as my Facebook profile picture, I feel like people should know that I am the black guy in the picture, but you never know. I tagged myself as someone else because his face wasn't recognized. I have said I needed a drink about 15 times this week and I am sad that I haven't even tried to drink. I am happy that I don't need to, but sometimes you need a pick me up.
     Hopefully I get to talk to you lovely people again because I enjoy this. Until next time.

Living with no love in a place full of love

     I realized that being around love won't make you realize what love truly is. You see the looks people give each other, through anger and adoration, but you can never fully grasp it. That, my friend is the reason I haven't discover love. The very thing that people go and search for I have yet to find. It is like looking for a white ball with a red dot on it, while there is a ton of white balls in the pile.
      I have been around two different types of couples this week and it has made me kind of sick. One couple just kissed the whole time and the other couple just cuddled together. There was too much public displays of affection. I felt like running away, but I was the fifth wheel and you kind of need the fifth wheel.
      It is day two of only eat one thing and I look very skinny because of it. I didn't think it would show, but it does and I am kind of scared. I hope that my body reverts back to its wonderful form once I get back to my apartment. I am going to get some breakfast so I don't collapse.

Wish I could turn back time or at least pause it

    Things happened and words were spoken that you wish no one had said, but you can't go back on what you said. That is how it is on most parts of my life. We go through life hoping that nothing that we do destroys what we want. We do things that are for us, but others may see it as something that we are doing in the moment. My friend is doing something that others don't really agree with, but I am cool with it. Last night when I was suppose to be finishing my homework and writing a blog post, I was making sure that he was okay.

     I am an emotion absorber, that means that I will take in whatever emotion that a person I am close to has and take it as my own. I felt his emotions rising because my hands were hot, I usually have cold hands, but it turns hot when I am mad. Something I found out about myself last night. I still stand with my friend and so do the others, but he has to change his life style a little because of it. I love everyone involved, but there is one thing I will not take.

     Don't put the blame onto me, I am a chill person and I don't want to cause harm to anyone. Recently, it has gotten close because of all the heated emotions around me. I am rocking out to music that calms me down and even though I am not in the best situation, I am making sure to keep a calm head.

      On a better note I need a girlfriend and I am saying this because yesterday I fifth wheeled and it was not a cool feeling. I felt like an emotionally abandoned child in front of parents that were trying to have another kid. I wanted to walk away, but I also wanted attention, I need a girlfriend. Time to write as much as possible to forget that loneliness. 

This Blog cannot be used in the court of law

     Something that I do not study or want to study is law and it seems like I may have to study it. So, I was chilling in a friend's hotel room when my mother called me. She told me that my day was using my blog as evidence or whatever in court. I just want to know why he would do that because this is my safe place. I curse on here and vent out all of my frustrations, something I don't do at all. Like dude leave me alone because you do not belong here.
     I just like making blog post and I can hopefully do it every day again because I loved doing it. For some reason my horror was successful, people love Jem. I was in the crew and I basically ran around and hyped up the crowd, making sure the twins were calm and what not. It was the perfect job of someone that usually takes care of others.
      My mom has been fighting a court case against my dad and for some reason he found out I have a blog. I have no idea how he found out, but he did. I

Baby got put into a corner again

      In high school my friend took all of the girls and I was basically his back seat passenger in the whole affair. He was and still is an asshole, but he is my evil pile of poo. You kind of stick by your friends even though they go against everything you stand for, when you don't have many friends in the first place. I do now, but that was the first time I was kind of tossed aside, like the average looking person that I am.
      So, my friend is a singer, actor, musician, and has pretty eyes. Remember this a completely different person entirely. He is nice and he is single, so you can tell that he is completely different. He is a nice person and he doesn't want to bang every girl that offers themselves up to him. Trust me it is a lot of girls and I basically feel like the gay best friend that lets all the girls down by talking to them. There was a girl that I met at a party and I believed I had a chance, but she stopped talking to me and I realized why. My flirt game is always on point, so it is not that, but something else that I can't control. It is this pretty boy that swoons every girl that looks at him and it makes me sad.
     What can I do, nothing at all because you can't change someone that likes looks more than personality. You want to be able to win someone with your personality, but people usually want something that is pretty and shiny, rather than something that is interesting and has a great story. He is a great guy, but I also want to be able to be someone that is a person of interest to another human. If you are in the anime community, then you know what "plot" is. If someone that watches anime talks about plot then they are usually not talking about the actual plot, but the size of boobs.
      I will continue to put myself out there, but I will never settle because I am lonely because at this point I have gone five years without any type of relationship.

Irritating moment when you know you smell and you can't do anything about it

     I saw one of my shirts lying in a pile and I was in a rush, so I just picked it up and put it on. Nothing was wrong with it, until I skated to school and sat down in class. I sit next to someone and I kept smelling something bad. I smelled my shirt this morning, but nothing was wrong with it, so I smelled my jacket and it was the same. The whole day I believed it was my pants because I wore these pants the day I went to volunteer. I felt so concerned with my smell that I wanted to leave and disappear.
     I left and went back to my apartment and found myself in a bad situation because I had to leave or I wouldn't get any work down. I changed my pants and thought everything was alright, but that was a lie. The smell was back and I didn't know what it could be, my jacket was on my waist, so it wasn't that. Then it dawned on me that it had to be the shirt, the one thing I couldn't change. There are a number of reasons that the shirt could smell, living in a bug infested apartment, probably not a washed shirt, too broke to wash clothes. I would root for the first option because it would basically explain a lot.
     I am going to write tomorrow and try to get farther than I got today, which was nowhere. I feel terrible, but tonight I am going to get more than six hours of sleep, so yeah. I will finish one more episode of Soul Eater, then I am skating back, taking off my clothes, checking for bugs, and going to sleep. I really wish I was joking about the checking for bugs part, I need a new place to live and money.

Was swamped with school work and rehearsals

     I want to apologize, but I hate when I make a quick and sucky post when I barely have time to write out anything. Last night I had about ten to fifteen minutes that I could have used to write out some garbage message, but I decided against it. It bothers me when I can't make work that I am proud of, so if I don't have more than an hour to make and edit a post I will not put one up. It is not fair to you or me.
    In other news I published a book, well I published an e-book for class and that was why I was stressing all week. I was cutting it way to close for comfort, but I made it out alive. I made the price up to the reader because it is something I published for class, but I still want to make money from it. I will put the link below the last paragraph.
     I had rehearsals most of the week and it sucked, I got yelled at by my mother because I wasted money on food, which I usually don't, but this month I was always out so it was hard not to eat. It sucks when you don't usually have a life, but now you do and you have no idea what to do with yourself. Usually I would have finished my work early because I have all this extra time, but my extra time was spent editing works and trying to make my life a little bit better.
    I now understand why people go to parties when they have work in the afternoon. You need a distraction from your everyday life in order to stay alive. I put in so many hours into this project and I know that I will get a nameless title if I am credited. Truthfully I don't even know if I want to have my name on it because all I did was help out. The writers didn't write anything because there wasn't anything to write and that made me angry. I could have stayed in my apartment and saved money, but I went out and had to stress eat.
      If I get some money from my mother by the end of the month, I am hoping to get a job from the school. I sent in a few emails for work study and if I get at least one I will be happy. I understand that my mother knows that no one wants a blonde haired black guy, but I just want to do industry level jobs, at least writing jobs. I want to focus on my craft and improve it so that I am always working on it.
    Once I use the bathroom and cook myself some food I will go to my school and try to write a song for some singer friends of mine. On another, I haven't played a game in a week and I am not mad about it.

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/632187

I may kill someone in a few minutes

     I am staying at the school until I finish my work or 1 am and I am near these guys playing music. I hate them because I can't focus with them being so random. I smell like sweat and outside and that is how it will stay until I go back to my apartment. I want to sleep, but that is something I can't do. I thought about not making this post, but I decided to do it. I still have to do the video and everything else for class.
     I have never been this late on an assignment and that is why I am ending it now. I need the extra time to finish this.

The complicated matters of liking the same girl

     It is hard when you meet that one girl that is so cute that you don't want to defile her with a one-night stand. You actually want to date her and spend all of your free time with her. That gets complicated when you are not the only one that likes her.
     I went to a meet and greet for an event and my friends went along with me. We mingled with a few people, but we were new to the event and didn't know what to do. There were three of us and it became two as the night went on because one of us decided to talk to everybody. I saw two girls that stood alone on a pole near the bar and I decided that we should go up and talk to them. If I was by myself, then I would have probably left by then.
     We talked to them for most of the night and they had these faces that said innocent, but only one of them was. It was the girl that my friend and I fell for. She was so cute that it was funny. We hung out with these girls for the remainder of the night, but it was weird. It was weird that we both liked this girl.
     My friend made sure to give attention to them equally, while I gave two different emotions to the girls. The one girl that we liked, I gave her affection when I was flirting, but the other girl I was friendly and actually listened to what she said. The sad thing is that I don't really know who has a chance.
     She looked at both of us equally and it made it hard to tell who she was into, if she was in to any of us at all. I made sure to make a group chat when I got back to the apartment, so we can make plans for the next day. I have to be the first one to make the move or I risk not getting to know her.

Hate among the known

     I have my problems, but my biggest problem is with my mother and her sneaky friends. My thing is that I should be able to do whatever I want with my hair, but then again when you have the mentality that black people can only have certain colors in their hair, you have a problem. I got out of class not that long ago and she basically hit me with a bunch of shit telling me that I cannot get a job with blonde hair. That if she was rich and I didn't have to work a day in my life then I could do it, but not now. I should cut it off and restart the whole process, but I don't care.
     I have spent most of my life putting my self in a shell and now I am free, but people don't see that. They see that a black kid dyed their hair and that they must be crazy for doing that. I am as sane, never mind, but I can do what I want to do at this point. I don't do drugs at all, but they see a kid with blonde hair and they want to judge me. I want to go on Facebook and tell whoever told my mother about my photo that I did it because I wanted to. I didn't do it anyone else, so they can leave keep their opinion about me.
    I am a little mad and I hate the negativity in my life, so I will just finish this post and try to forget all about today.

Messed up moment when you

     It was all a lie, kinda. There isn't any electricity in my apartment because my other roommate didn't pay it, so that sucks. I was going to make a part 2 because of the time, but i decide just to edit and remake this post. I dyed my friend's hair today and it took us about 6 hours to finish it. It was so much work, but I don't regret it. I was asked by a woman on what I do to my hair because her son wants to get a blondish color, but can't. I helped her out and gave her all the tips that I could.
    The next post will be in the afternoon because I didn't think that my electricity would be turned off. Tomorrow will be better, I am sorry I disappointed you and when am I going to do this video.

That was a lot of views

     I just refreshed the page and I saw a buttload of page views, thanks I guess. I knew that a post about my true self would get views, but I didn't think it would get 13 views. I guess telling the world that I am basically a freak is interesting. I know that I'm not suppose to call myself that, but I am and I don't take it offensively. I am weird, freakish, nervous, but awesome in my own right. Like my mother wouldn't like what I am doing now especially that I spent money tonight on food, but it was my friend's birthday and I wanted to spend it with him.
     I had an emotional breakdown when I lived with my father for a while and I am happy that it happened. It brought the worst out of me, but it was the first time I decided to change myself. I dyed my hair for the first time and when ever I dye my hair it is basically a change. I thought I was doing it because I could, but I don't want to dye it now because I am truly happy. There are a lot of things that could change, but I am happy that I am around people that make me feel good about myself.
     I got a kind of bad comment in one of my videos and I battled it with positivity because I don't feel the need to give into that person's needs. I am someone that is about to graduate and I have a plan to go back to school after I graduate. I want to get a masters in creative writing, so I can feel like I can do anything. I will be about 22 or 23 when I graduate, but I will have met so many people in such a short amount of time. I love these people because they are there for me and I am there for them. We are always told that home is the best place to go, but it isn't if that place is poisonous.
     People always want to go to New York, but don't know that people have to grow tough skin to survive there. You have to be able to take any insult and find a situation that is best to get payback. Like I would love to show you the stream where I am truly enjoying myself and I will. I could talk a lot, but I think that a truly happy Desmond is what you really want.
https://www.twitch.tv/tinywaves/v/61103171

     Weirdly enough I am going to an event on Thursday, which has to do with something I did during Spring Break. Going to tease with that little bit of information.

The door that should never be opened will be cracked open for air

     Before I get to the dark and depressing stuff I believe I should tell you what lead to this confession. I was told by one of my roommates that he was going to move out if his lease was up and so he left the apartment to check. I immediately looked up plane tickets back to New York because I hated when I got to the point of no return. I have enough, probably a little less by now for next month's rent. I am trying my best to write this book, but I know that it won't be enough to cover every month of rent until I graduate. So I hit up my mother and asked her if I could move back home, but my roommate came back and said that his lease wasn't up until august. I still wanted to leave, but I decided to just try to get a loan to cover me until I graduate. I have to wait until they email me back my username, but this is what lead me to showing you part of my true self.

     I am a fake, someone that wears a mask, but not never the same one. I was a kid brought up on negativity and hate, hate towards my father, but was brought onto me by my brothers. It was probably during that time that I put on my first mask, my imperfect, but beautiful mask. It is easy to fake a persona when you have done it for so long, but it is hard at the same time. You want someone to break that mask for you and all the mask in your collection, but you know that will cripple you. You would be lost and wouldn't find your place in society. I realized that the person at the rave that I didn't recognize was really my true self. It has been so long that I couldn't recognize him. The Desmond now masturbates just to hurt and not feel anything at all, to be like everyone else. It is better than cutting myself

     There are times that I want to be real, but I don't know what that looks like. The Desmond at the rave truly enjoyed his self, but I can only get that when I go to raves. I want to travel and see different people and go to raves across the world. At this point I will probably be homeless before I get to see that person again, but let us talk about something else besides money.

      I met people at the rave and added them on my Facebook, so what do I do if they want to to hang out with me. I can't just fake emotions that I know nothing about because they would recognize that I wasn't the same person and they wouldn't like me. I understand that being tough is great when people are trying to tear you down, but why are you tough if there are people in your life that want to fix you right back up. I have all these scars that I get when I fall and it proves that I am real, that I can get hurt and not just take it. I have to wait for it to heal and feel the pain, I can't just ignore it entirely. 

     I guess I need a loving hug and to meet people that want to travel with me. Help me break down the barriers in my heart and show me that it is worth living. This isn't a cry from someone contemplating suicide, but a cry from someone that won't commit suicide because I don't want anyone to say that they say it coming. 

Feeling at home with the freaks in the night

     I switched to an extrovert halfway through the rave and I was cool with it. I didn't know if it was the smell of alcohol or the scented smoke being blown out to mess with our vision, but I felt good. I guess it was because I was with people that just didn't care how they looked when they danced. The night took them to a place where they could feel comfortable. It was the same for me, but my body didn't like that I was happy. My stomach started hurting and I got nervous gas, I was doing something I always feared doing. I was interacting with complete strangers.
     I gave people high fives and I actually talked to people. I was dancing and I didn't have a care in the world. I believe I got a little tipsy from the beer fumes because I did something I haven't done ever. I started hugging people and I felt disgusted with myself the next day. I was too clingy and personal with people I just met. The last time I tried that I was told off and I don't even remember why I did it that time. The music was awesome and I loved being with cool people. The rave ended at 2, but I didn't get into my apartment until 6.
     There were people that loitered outside of the place and just hung out. After a while we decided to just hang out at someone's place and get drunk, sorry mommy. After waiting for the drunk people to get to the house we went inside and the house was simply amazing. I only had a sip of fireball and green apple. I have a feeling that I am a fruit drink sort of guy even though I don't drink. I have a few months until I am legal to drink and I want to be able to know what a drink tastes like before my birthday.
     The girl's house that we went to was really cool and there was this one room that we chilled in before we left and it was a hang out scene. It was just this really relaxing room and I found out more about the girl. She was just really chill and down to earth. Also what is with drunk people touching a black guy's head, like why. I looked at my hair when I got in and it looked so messed up.

Was that my Tinder match?

     So, I was sitting in school and there was this girl that looked familiar to me, but I didn't understand why. I have never seen her before today and I just knew that I saw her before. I delete my Tinder every few months because there are times when I believe that I have self-worth. We got matched and we talked for a while, but eventually the conversation just stopped. That is basically the story of my life, it goes great in the beginning, but shortly after it just stops. I didn't fully realize it was her until she was about to leave and I knew that I wasted an opportunity.
     Okay, I went to the car wash fundraiser for the Jem project and it wasn't that bad. I helped washed cars, got my finger ripped apart by a heavy duty door, and I ate a burnt grilled cheese. I had to close the door with all my strength and one of my fingers we on the inside part of the door. It basically peeled apart my skin as it closed and I started bleeding. That woke me up!
     I don't know if I said it before, but they are having the Jem event on the 30th at the school that I am attending. That school is Full Sail University, the school that makes every student beg for a job after graduation. That was a joke based on all the loans we took to attend the school. Now you know the reason I am broke and I don't have a job. Then again I don't think that I am fit for a retail or restaurant type of job. I like to write and that is why I went to this school, so all my attention is focused on writing and getting a job writing.
     I started writing outlines for the story that I am writing and I am happy with how far I am getting with it. My story has changed because of the outline and I like it. I am hungry, but I will be out till 2 AM, so getting something to eat would be smarter than heading to my apartment. I am kind of hoping that I can stay over at my friend's house because I am going to be weird and I don't know if I would be able to make it into my apartment at that time.
     There is this annoying guy talking to his friends on League of Legends, so I am going to go because I am tired of hearing his voice.

Basketball and soccer, why together

     I spent 57 dollars just to put my documents on a usb and onto my mac, since my PC's screen is broken. I realized I could have done this myself after I dropped my PC off. I hate the fact that I am basically broke, but I guess this will get me into writing more content. I hate that I am doing stuff for free when money would help at this moment. Like I smell like a lot of sweat because I played two different sports and I have to get texts about how I should respond if I am going to the fundraiser. I am probably not going to get paid and I have to buy some treats for tomorrow. I know that I put myself into this predicament and it seems I have to get myself out of it.
     On a brighter note, I played soccer and basketball today, yeah what was I thinking. I was tired after soccer, but for some reason I agreed to play basketball. I will say that I did it to strengthen friendships and manly bonds. We played a game of 21 and I lost because I just wanted to sit down and I can't shoot 3's when ever I want to. Soccer wasn't that bad, my team actually won two games and I helped I guess. I want to say I helped because I don't want to say I was dead weight.
      My whole body is sore and I can't even sleep in because I have to be up early to make it to the Jem fundraising thing. The rave is tomorrow and I was so hype for it all day, but now I just don't care. I am helping people and it sucks when you can feel the attitude when they ask you for something through a text. I said this when we finished basketball and I will say it again, I need to stop doing things for free.

Tortured myself for no reason

     I went to sleep at about 2:30 and I got roughly 3 or 4 hours of sleep. It didn't hit me until after I left the school and was on my way to a Jem meeting. I am so tired, but I know that my sleep will be immediate. I don't really know what is going to happen tomorrow because I am going to lend my game to a friend, but I also have to hopefully dye my friend's hair tomorrow. I have no idea what is going on, but I finished all my work, kinda.
      The reason that I got so little sleep is because I woke up at 6 again so I could shower and get a ride. I didn't realize how tired I was because I forgot my belt and phone charger. It sucks when your phone is on 10%, but will live because no one hits your jack like that. Class was alright, but since I was super tired I barely remember anything. I want to say that my friend Frank presented, but I am lost on what was actually presented. I guess I will have to read the slides that the instructor assigned as homework.
      I am going to have to get my PC fixed even though I don't want to spend the money, but all of my documents are on my PC. Luckily there is a repair shop nearby, but I am only doing this because I need one of my stories for this class and it would be nice to have all of my documents. I met this girl that was far away from everyone doing her work and I wanted to talk to her, but that didn't really happen until she sat in my seat. I talked somewhat, but it was my friend Matt that did all of the talking. When we were leaving I told her it was nice to meet her and I added her on Facebook.
      I didn't know if she was going to add me back, but I had to try to get to know her so I added her and she accepted my friend request. Friday should be awesome hopefully, but Saturday will be an early post because I am going to a rave. Yes, I will have fun.

Torturing myself for the betterment of myself

     I got none of my work done today and the reason was, that I had a packed day with the exception of three hours. I spent about two hours gaming and the last parts using the bathroom and I went straight back out. I guess it would help telling you exactly what I did today wouldn't it. My day started exactly at 8:00 and like most mornings it wasn't my favorite. Mainly because I had to get up at 8 and not 9.
     I made it to my photo shoot at 9:25, probably. I know I was early because I was the first one there. I have never had so many pictures taken of myself. I wasn't the only one there and the people I talked to were really cool. It was just one person in particular that got most of my attention. The reason wasn't because she was pretty, no it was because we actually had to look deeply in each others eyes for a shot. If I was in a shot with other people, she would be there soon enough. There isn't anything wrong with that at all, but why was that needed.
     Have the tallest people be together because that is what people want to see. The shoot lasted till 12:30 and I got her Facebook. I skated for the photo shoot and I thought that I was done, then she put on the hat. She put on her hat and the lady in charge wanted a photo of her with her hat on. At this point we were already America's favorite couple, so we took photos together. That was the final picture and that is when we separated from each other.
      I went to go eat a sub because I knew that I would be on campus all day. When I finished eating I went straight to the meeting for the Jem fan project. Yay. I went to go and see exactly what we had to do and it was basically a meeting about putting the word out there and letting people know that there is a production happening. I don't like to post on my twitter page because I never know what I should put on there and the only things that go on there are my vines. So, if you want to look them up on twitter you will search for Orlando Jem Fans. I am not going to push them down your throat because that is not what you do to people that you like.
     After that I went back to the apartment, played a game, got my mask, did something gross, and went back out. The last part of my day was watching a movie called Boondock Saints. I wasn't looking at it as a new viewer, but as someone taking apart the movie. I like the movie, but there were parts that could have been different. On a brighter note I saw the other girl I usually talk to because she sat next to me during the movie. The one that barely talks to me has class now and I am a little bit happy to tell you the truth. We talked a little today and I really don't think this friendship will last between us.

I got a blister on my finger because of that bass

     I had class today and I was scared that I actually might have to present. I will not be presenting this week which is good, but I am kind of scared that I am not going to get any work done if I stay in this apartment. I am going to be out all day tomorrow so I can easily stay there until I finish 50 or 60 percent of my work.
     So, I went to the B-reel shoot and it was different, in a good way. I had to act like I knew how to play the bass and doing so gave me a blister on my middle finger. Talk about dedication. I continued to play even though I felt the pain coming from my finger. I left after taking a bunch of chips and went back to the apartment. A friend texted me and asked if I want to go to the Jem meeting and I said okay believing I wasn't going to tomorrow's meeting. I am going because the plans that I was going to have tomorrow changed to Friday, making it, finish all your work Thursday. It sucks having a life.
       We went to watch an old movie called One Million Years BC. It was interesting and cheesy and I recommend it for a good laugh, but we left early, so I could write my wonderful blog. Now I am sitting here and debating on gaming for an hour and doing work till 12 or just doing work till 12. I will probably game, cook, do work, and pick out clothes for the next shoot tomorrow. Like I said, it sucks having a life.

I'm not a scrub, kind of.

     I don't know if you know what a scrub is, but it is usually someone that isn't good at something. I put up a video for the week because I have a full week, which means that there will be no random topics. I know you will be sad, but I will actually have a social life this week. I put up a very chill video, but it wasn't a happy one because my roommate wanted to make a lot of noise when I was recording. I had more time to edit, so I tried to fix the lighting and I think I did a pretty good job because YouTube didn't ask me if I wanted to improve the lighting. I hate iMovie, but it comes with my computer and good video editing programs cost a lot of money.
      Dark Souls 3 comes out tomorrow and I am probably not going to get it, but will. I will hear my friends talking about it and will get it anyway, but I know I will not play it because there is so much reading this month. I still haven't finished last weeks and I know it wasn't made to be finished in the first week of class. I realize that I am probably the only one actually reading the material because I was told that by everyone I've been in class with. It sucks, but I want to read. If someone bought it for me I would play Dark Souls 3 for ps4, that is for you mommy. My mother doesn't read this because if she did then I would of told you of the scolding she gave me.
       Basketball was fun because I didn't hit any air balls and my body felt lighter. It could have been the shorts and basketball sneakers I was wearing compared to the jeans and show out shoes I had last week. We will just say that my body is starting to remember the game of basketball again. I could pass again and I didn't make as much mistakes as I did last week. I made a few shots and got a lot of assists. It was beautiful and I would love to continue doing this. I have a feeling that I am going to get a 5-9 class next month on Mondays since the world doesn't want me to be happy.
      Only one of my legs hurt and I need to wash my hair because it feels really dirty. I don't want to take another shower, but like I said I feel really dirty. If you didn't see the link to the video before I will put it up for you again.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydZZzyNkgd4

New Video up

I made the video pretty early this week because I have a pretty stacked week and I didn't know when I would be able to get to it. It is a pretty chill video and this is not my daily post by the way. It is just a reminder that the video is up and i will also put the link in the actual post for tonight.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydZZzyNkgd4

Am I a punk?

     I basically am what I call a punk and I am not talking about someone that talks and can't back it up. I don't talk trash because I am someone that practices peace and doesn't like to fight. I mean the people with dyed hair, ironic shirts, a bunch of earrings, and tattoos. I don't have a tattoo because I chose to get some new piercings instead of a tattoo last night and why wouldn't I. It was 15 for piercings, but it was a better deal for tattoos because it was 25. There was a book full of tattoos that people could have selected from and I have a feeling that they didn't even finish 5% of the book. If you didn't know already I now have 4 piercings and I have two spikes in my ear and two ball earrings. I say ball because it looks like the earrings they use for your eyebrow piercing.
      I don't do drugs, instead I dye my hair whenever I feel low and I guess I am still hurting myself. I love how I am trying to heal my hair while killing it as well. It is like falling in love with someone that will never love you. My mother doesn't know I have two new piercings because I just did it and I am not going to tell her. The place had this needle and they pushed it into my ear and created a hole to put the earrings. My friend only did one piercing, but I needed my piercings to be even so I did two and they both hurt really badly. I feel like I can make a really good short story based on someone getting their ears pierced.
     I believe that there will be basketball tomorrow and if there is I will go. My body just fully healed, but I don't really care. I took a nap at like 5 something and woke up at 8 and I have a feeling it is my body healing itself. I am going to cook, watch a movie, start reading parts of my assignment, and then continue writing my story. Thank you for reading my messed up mind.

Am I here to piss you off? pt 2

     I am back and it is basically the next day and I happy to present you with bad news. I am an average black kid that wants to be myself. I am happy with who I am as a person and if I go back to faking being religious I am positive you wouldn't like me. Also I'm not hurting anybody by being atheist, but people see that as a hate crime. Like I am a chill kid that accepts everyone, but that doesn't matter does it? I volunteer for every good cause event that I can, but that still isn't enough. I have to believe in god and be a christian because if you don't believe in something then you aren't worth anything.
     Anyway, I went to an event that basically told us to be confident and to try to envision where you want to be. There was this woman that told the group that god should be the first thing on your list and I didn't understand that. I want to grow as a writer and I don't want what I believe in be the factor that decided if I got the job or not. Then again you can't change the world that easily. Tomorrow's post will not include politics because I hate discussing politics.

Am I here to piss you off? part 1

     I am not a man of faith and I know that a black guy being an atheist is something that is weird, but I am not the only one that I know. Now before you leave me, know I am not someone that judges others. Being religious just isn't for me and I respect others that believe in a god or gods. I have dyed hair, 4 pierced ears as of tonight, and I am a writer.
     The reason I stopped being spiritual and went to being an atheist is because I wanted to be true to myself as a writer. I want to get into this more, but its about to be 12 and I made it my goal to post everyday. Part 2 will be tomorrow.

My roommate told me to stop acting gay and I am eating an oreo

     I like to send out weird messages when I am very bored and that is what happened today. I asked him if he was alright because you know I am a caring person. After he responded I basically told him that he would always have a piece of my heart. That was when he said I was acting gay, now the punchline was after this response. I responded by say, "You should find it and when you do take a piece and throw my heart far away." Like I said I was bored and I have been reading my textbook all day, so there is nothing else to do but be bored.
     My mother called me today for the sole reason of staying up behind the wheel. She didn't tell me this, but I could tell because she kept repeating that she was tired and wanted to got to bed, but she was on the road. After the call dropped a second time I had a feeling she got home and was about to go to sleep. I will text her after this to make sure of that, but for now we write.
     I finally got grade for the group project I did last week and we got a 96 for the project. I did the twitter pages for the character and the instructor didn't understand why there needed to be a twitter page and I was a little hurt, but I knew he would change his mind when he got to play the whole game. He told the group that he loved that the twitter page made the story feel realistic. Now I am downgrading what he said because I don't want to quote him.
     Tomorrow I go to a networking summit that could land me a job. If you want to play the game then I will have the link down below.
http://blackoutsupportgroup.wix.com/blackoutsupport

Aren't you one sexy devil

     Something I would have loved in middle school and high school was confidence. My brothers are the most confidence people I know and they have so many flaws. The middle brother always had a lot of girlfriends and I never really understood why. I don't really care at this point because he has two awesome little kids and I am the only one without them at this point. I don't really do relationships because I am a shy little piece of shit, yeah!
     It took me twenty years to find out that if no one else cares for you then you should just care for yourself. I woke up at 6:30 today in order to get a ride to school and that was great because my body still hurts. We chilled out a little at my roommate's friends house and just talked, I like doing that because most of the time it is just me talking to myself. Today after class I could have talked with some of my classmates that stayed behind, but I didn't feel good. I had to stay in school for a meeting and I felt so low being near anybody.
     Anyway I love that I am growing as a person and that I am coming out of my comfort zones even a little bit. I am not going to think that it is going to take one day to get rid of all my anxiety, but I know it will get better the more I put myself out there. I haven't checked the video that I recently put up, I know the light was a problem and I hope to fix it next week. I will wear a headset next time to try and improve the audio, but I am new at this and I am happy you are along for the ride.
     Just look in the mirror and just say you are beautiful because you can't love art without knowing what art is. If you don't see yourself as a piece of art then you can't really cure yourself of anything that might be wrong with you. Remember art has to be worked on until it is complete and even when it is done there are still imperfections to it, but that is what makes it beautiful in the first place.

You are never too old to have a child.

     The title was going to be slightly different, but a comment on a post made me very angry. Not on my blog post because I will say that it is all love here. There is a post on Facebook that says Janet Jackson is going to have a "miracle" baby. Excuse my language, but what the fuck do you mean by a miracle baby. She is only 49, when was that too old to be having children. Let us get this straight, I am never going to have children and I don't ever want to. I don't have complications with my sperm that makes it impossible to have children, I just don't want to have children.
     I am the youngest child and my oldest brother is about 30 something, so that tell you my mother probably had me in her 40s or late 30s. I am not going to tell you my mother's age because I want to live to see another day, but I know she wouldn't like what people are saying on the post. We forget that there was a time when you were an adult at the age of 13 and would probably die once you turned 20 or 30. It was rare to even touch 50, but now people are living through there 100th birthday. I am not going to be that person because with all the sprains and pains I have now I know I am going to have arthritis. The sad thing is that I am not even joking even one bit.
     If someone wants to have kids in their 70s I say do it because it just gives them the will to live longer. The want to be able to see their kids have kids and to meet their grandchildren. That is something all parents want to see. I am not a parent so I am only speculating, but I hope that is what every parent wants for their child, to see them happy.
     I made another video and it has more content than the last one and I hope that you like it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XMcwfKlb4IY
It says that the video is processing, but I don't care because it is up and I want you guys to see it.

I woke up feeling the weight of my burdens.

     That sounds the introduction to a Shakespeare novel, script was it a script or a book. I am really in pain, like really in pain. Like I said I played basketball last night and I woke up in a lot of pain. It pains me to say that I woke up early to skate to school. I hate myself for that one too. Every kick felt like a shock to my whole body and it wasn't so bad.
     This wasn't the first time that my body felt this heavy, it was my junior year in high school. I was a pissed off teen angry at the world and I was on the baseball team. I had to lift a whole lot of weights to keep in shape and after a few weeks of torture to the system, I got use to it. I guess after a few weeks of killing myself I will be able to play basketball without feeling like death. I am now confined to the couch and had a whole I can't get up moment. It was pathetic and I regret the whole scene because it is replaying in my head at this moment.
     My mustache hair is growing back and I am weirded out because my facial hair usually takes weeks to grow back, but it has only been a few day. Now I am watching Happy Endings and hoping that I can actually move my body without wanting to screaming. I talked to some girl today that said hi to me out of the blue. Usually I am skating and ignoring my surrounds, but because of yesterday I felt that it was better to just walk if I didn't have to skate. We had a very long and fun conversation, it was kind of weird. She is just a friendly person and greeted everyone that passed by her. It was nice to meet someone that is the polar opposite of myself.
     It would disgust me if I was that person, but she is a great person and I am an awesome person for making a new friend that I can contact.

I am writing this on the steps outside of my apartment

     When you have lived without a key to your apartment you kind of get used to it. The door is usually unlocked because someone is guaranteed to be inside. My topic for tonight was going to be about how I played about 4 games of basketball back to back. I barely get to exercise and play sports, but today I decided to do it. I played so much that my feet regrets every step that we made on that court. It was a nice change of pace and it felt good. I met some cool people on the court and we all had fun.
     Now let us talk about the roommate that I barely talk to and the one that usually locks the door when he gets in. Now I understand that locking the door when you get in is something you do, but if one of your roommates doesn't have a key then you wait till they get home to lock it. I would skate back to the school and wait till my other roommate was ready to leave, but like I said my feet are killing me. I could barely skate back without falling on my face.
      It doesn't help that I have class in the morning, which means I have to wake up extra early to see where the classroom is. I won't be here for long though because my reliable roommate is coming from school to unlock the door. Today was suppose to be a good day, I was going to tell you that I saw that girl today and we had an awkward greeting. We just waved and I walked away after one wave and when I crossed her path again I didn't look in her direction. Good job Desmond. I did two play test today so I got a $20 gift card instead of a $10 one. I wrote a lot of content for my story and I played basketball with some new people. This is all material that could have been used for a positive energy post, but my other roommate had to mess it up.
     I am going to shower when I get in and go straight to sleep because I am too tired to even try to fake being happy right now. I am inside now, so time to upload and be done for the night.

I believe it is recap time

     This Spring Break I was suppose to hang out with this girl at least once and we didn't hang out. I don't really want to talk to her anymore truthfully, but I will have to so yeah. I went out, got lost, and didn't find myself. I tried to do the same thing a day later, but since I had weight on my back it wasn't the same. I knew about the location so I wasn't lost, I knew my way back and that was my mistake. I saw some very interesting things and realized that I am cool with myself. To top things I even went to a tops and bottoms auction. Now I will rule this Spring Break as a success. I felt like crap this whole Spring Break because I realized that I could use some help socially and no one helps me with that, but myself. I broke the first wall of my anxiety and I feel great about it.
     Oh yeah I created a twitter page for my favorite gay character Wallace Wells. Thanks my friend for calling me Wallace Wells even though I'm not gay. I don't really feel like I did anything this Spring Break except thing and I don't know how I feel about that. I wanted to do more, but like always I was trapped in the surround area that I am always around. Life can be explored without a car, but it helps to have a car.
     I also made my the first video for the blog and I am happy I did it because now I have the strength to make one once a week. I am just afraid of what an 18 year old Desmond said in 2014. It is basically cringe worthy, but I will do it and try to remember what I was thinking for that post. I don't have class tomorrow, but I do have game testing at 10 and I am happy about it. I am happy because I have a reason to be at the school tomorrow and work on some of my writing. That is the best part of the whole thing. Class officially starts Tuesday and I still haven't received my final grade, but I am not stressing because I know I am good. Trying to be a positive emo even though that makes no sense. Happy to talk to you awesome people again.

Riding around with a big wad of cash?

     When I make a post I either will tell you something that I personally experienced or something I have thoughts on. There are times when you can't even make things up because it is too unbelievable. My roommate and I are walking back from the store when we see this guy on a thing that shouldn't be called a hoverboard. He had a large sum of money rolled up in his hands and I have never wanted to steal from someone before that moment. It wasn't because I was broke, no, it was because he had it out in the open and was playing with it. Why would you play with a large amount of money, in the open.
     You wouldn't do that in New York because someone would either rob you their self or call up some one and get them to rob you. I want to believe that he was a cop or was filming some kind of skit where they see who wants to steal the money. He didn't seem like he needed the money, but I wasn't going to steal it, because we were near a busy street. Wouldn't be smart to steal a block away from your apartment complex. Sometimes people weird me out and I don't really understand why they do things.
      On that note I shaved my face and now I don't have a mustache. It always feels weird and I can't wait for it to grow back. I hope everyone enjoyed my first video if you watched it. The next video will be post next week and I will put the link in the blog post for that day. Don't go outside with money in your hands because it is highly likely that you will get robbed.

The first part of the vlog is up.

     I wasn't going to make a video for it today because my roommate was going to stay in the apartment all day, but his plans changed. He left to go have fun and eat good food, while I am stuck eating snacks and boiling water to drink for tomorrow. When he left I decided it would be perfect to shoot the introduction video. I didn't really know if I should have made a new account strictly for the blog or kept it on my current YouTube account, so I used my current YouTube account.
     It is just an introduction video and since I did it this week, that means that there will be another video next week. I will try to make the videos higher quality as I go along, but for now it is all right. This is the main theme for today, so it is pretty short. Tomorrow is a recap of my Spring Break and if I believe if it was fun or not. I believe that you probably know the answer to that, but today was a pretty calm day. I hope you enjoy the video and I enjoy talking to you everyday.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vb4DOIBU68Q

I went to a top and bottom auction by accident

     Today I got 100 plus followers on my vine today and I felt really good about it. I was feeling really bad this week and this was a great way to get over the funk. Class starts next week and it is back to morning classes and I have a feeling I am hated by someone because this is the second morning class back to back. I guess you want to hear about the topic of this post.
     I haven't been to the geek easy in a long time and every time I go I leave early. The reason for that is because I am an introvert and I have trouble raising my voice to speak to someone new. I wanted to battle that head on, so I went to the event that they were having. The event said mint condition and no real information on what was happening. I went anyway and I waited till 6:30 to go in to the Geek Easy. I saw a lot of people grouping together and I wanted to go to them, but I couldn't. My feet stayed firmly on the ground and didn't move at all.
     Then three girls walked in and they seemed like nice people because two of them were wearing all black and I wanted to get to know them. I still couldn't move, but I did wave hi, so that is a plus I guess. A guy asked if he could sit down with them and I immediately hated his guts because he did it so easily. My body started to move and I finally got up the courage and asked if I could sit with them. They said I could and I got to know them, I was kind of happy for myself.
     I told them that I came not knowing what the event was and they told me I was in for a treat, yay surprises. So we get seated closer to the bigger group and we are told that this is an auction for tops and bottoms. Now the only thing I knew about tops and bottoms, is related to homosexuality. What they meant was the dominator was the top and the receiver is the bottom. I was intrigued by it all and I kind of want to learn more about it first hand. Listen I am a top and will always be a top because of I am messed up mentally. I don't know who will try it out with me, but it would be great for research purposes.
     I didn't really know how this event would go, but all that happened was a person read off a list of things that they are cool with and what they aren't cool with doing. Pretty straightforward if you ask me. The most shocking thing of the night was that a top was auctioned off as a bottom. This event was interesting because I actually initiated a conversation with people I don't know and it was the first kind of event like this that have ever gone to. I don't judge and I am open to whatever, not talking about sexually, eh. I am not going to be closed minded because that isn't the person that I am. There will probably be more events like this and if I can go I will go, probably wont try to auction myself off or buy anyone because I am not that experienced, but I want to open myself up more.

I went outside again and it wasn't as great.

     I left my apartment about 9:30 and I promised myself that I wouldn't return until later, I guess I made that goal. I went farther and that was cool, but I didn't get the same high. I think it was because I actually brought my bag with my laptop in it. I had some extra weight, so I didn't really feel that free. I added a part to the story that I am writing and I am happy with it, but today wasn't really eventful. I came in and did laundry and I wanted to make my first blog video, but I was just drained. My legs hurt and I felt sluggish. Not the best sign of a productive day.
     I think that today wasn't that great because I realized I really don't have anyone to hang out with. I can blame it on being introverted, but if I go outside and explore, it is always alone. I don't want it to be that way because I start putting limitations on myself and that isn't a good thing to do. It sucks to think that way because you aren't free at all, but chained down thinking you are free. It isn't like people are inviting me out and I am just denying their invitations, there aren't any. I am stuck here and I hate that I really can't enjoy my week off from school.
     The outdoors couldn't save me and I hate having to save other people. I like helping people out, but no one thinks about me after I have done something for them. I hate being inside my head at times because I have to face reality and reality isn't a pretty thing. You see that people make excuses and don't really want to hang with you and tell you what you want to hear. There are times when I just want to disappear from the world, no I am not talking about committing suicide. I want to deactivate my social media accounts and just travel. Become open with people and actually create friendships with people that want an adventure, but sometimes those people are close by and you can never meet them because of the people close to you.

What is like like

     I understand that you can like a person, but the last time I have ever heard someone say like like was in middle school. I get what you are trying to say, but the concept is lost on me. If you are asking me if I like you in a relationship type of way, I would understand that. I like people, but I have never liked a person enough to add another like to it. I like both of the girls that I am talking to, but I like them in different ways. One girl is closer to my age, so I can talk to her and even if she is busy I will get a response in a day. The other girl I am talking to is younger and I will text her and she will not respond until she feels like it. You see why I said I like both of them, but it is a different sort of like.
     I have been rejected by online magazines and girls, sadly getting rejected by online magazines hurt more. I could have gotten exposure by being published in a magazine, maybe I would have gotten paid. That is why it hurts so much more and also I like to go to the movies and the park because they are usually places you hang out at. I love to skate, so if there is a park nearby, I am going to it because that is how I relax. I don't really care if you think that a place I chose is romantic, one it isn't a date, and two I don't want to date you.
     I don't like like you, I barely tolerate you. So, I told this girl that I was only sexually attracted to her. This is why you don't send things to people when you are really depressed about life and it didn't help that it was raining. It prevented me from skating, the only thing that really calms me down. So I walked and thought about the wrong things. I basically burnt a bridge along the way and I truthfully don't care. I am dedicating tomorrow to exploring and finding happiness. I need more skater friends.

Maintaining bodily hair

     I would love to say that I know everything about shaving, but sadly I have no real reason to shave. I just started to grow facial hair and that is kind of sad because I am about to turn 21. The only thing I have is a mustache and side burns. It is not like I want to be a hairy person, it just bothers me that people my age and younger have more facial hair than me, but that isn't what this post is about. So, I shave my mustache every so often because I don't like how I look without it and I feel that it should grow be shaved at times. It is basically what defines me at this point. My side burns finally connect to my face, so that is a plus.
     The worst thing about your father not being in the picture is that you aren't taught about manscaping. Then again I wouldn't want my father to talk about manscaping anyway. Thanks dad for giving me the talk when I was 17, South Park already gave me the talk. Well, a lot of the shows did that for me. Like most guys I try to shave the lower regions of my body every month or two because after a while it starts to bother me if I don't. I don't want to get gross because you already know what I look like and we don't need to get that close. I never shave a certain part because I am afraid I will cut it and I am scared of doing that, even though I have researched how to do it successfully. I also didn't know that guys weren't suppose to shave their legs, like I said absentee father. I don't really have a lot of leg hair, it is just curly and spaced out.
     Since we are talking about hair, lets talk about head hair. I wash my hair every week because that is when I was told to wash it. Dye has killed my hair, but I am trying to keep it alive, somehow. For some weird reason, by dyeing my hair, my hair has become curlier. I have these bigger curly spirals in my hair from time to time. I don't know what caused it, but I like it. I really hope that I do something tomorrow because today was a chill with my roommate and write day.

On this day I went outside to explore, some DQ.

     My reason for going outside wasn't DQ, I didn't even know a DQ was near me. I was tired of being inside the house, didn't help that my roommate went to the beach. I went on a journey to get lost and that was exactly what I did. I skated down an area that I've never gone to and found myself on a trail. There were some questionable youths nearby, but I kept skating and found out that there is a Sam's club right by my apartment. Why was I going to Target this whole time?
     So, I found a Taco Bell and a DQ and I tried my first blizzard. It was the best thing because I felt myself dying when I was eating it. They had the nerve to give me this small tray of fries and charge me 2 dollars for it. I was full when I finished my blizzard, so I guess they knew what I needed. I left and went back to the trail because I went out for an adventure, not to eat a bunch and pass out later.
     I saw a lot of beautiful scenery and great people, I actually put up some pictures on my Instagram and put up videos on my vine.I felt really inspired to actually be out in the open and see kids playing soccer and basketball. I haven't played basketball in a long time because I hang out with people that have too much work to do and rather spend their time inside. My roommate told me that I get a high from skating and I understand why he said that. I am happy when I skate, cruising around and exploring a new place is wonderful. There isn't anything that makes me happier.
     It made me lonely because there wasn't anyone I could share this feeling with. Yeah, I shared my experience on social media, but you couldn't really feel what I was feeling unless you were there. I hope everyone had a really good day today.

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/generic_black_guyduh/

Vine: https://vine.co/u/1232156638308405248

I got a few more texts back and once I insulted FedEx they came.

      Today was my last day of the car wash and we didn't leave till 5 because they pushed back to one hour. Ya. I was told that there might be another car wash during break and I haven't wanted plans so much then now. I have done it for three days and now I want to enjoy my Spring Break for at least one day, but I never really get to do that because most of my friends go places.
     My roommates excuse for not wanting to take me to the beach with him is that his friends don't know me and at this point I don't even care. He isn't a dumb guy at all, so telling me that the reason he doesn't want me to go is because they don't know me is the dumbest thing he could have ever said . I really don't like repeating myself, but I will just for you all. We will never get to know each other if we don't hang out, like the first few times it made me mad, but now I just don't care. So, I guess I should get into that juicy subject you have been waiting for.
     FedEx finally came to pick up my package and all it took was me talking trash about them to no one in particular. They picked up my laptop, so I really hope that it is back before the break finishes, but you never know. I guess we are done with today's recap right.
    I am not that mean, I will tell you all about what happened with this girl that I kinda like at this point. So we talked until 1 or 2 in the morning and it was a fun conversation because I was playing a game that doesn't have a pause button and she would text me. Nothing like risking your team's life for a text. So, I was talking to her in the afternoon and I asked her what she was doing today, which is my way of asking if you want to hang out. She told me she had to babysit, now I know that I could have done something along the lines of asking if I could help her, but I didn't. I played it cool and said something funny, but at a point the conversation ended, not like that was all to the conversation, more like she just stopped texting. Hopefully we talk tomorrow, but today I am writing without my mac and I feel really lonely.

I got a text back and wasted a day.

     So, I told you that if I got a text back from this girl that I would immediately tell you and I am sorry I couldn't hop straight on to tell you. I had some things to take care of and I wasn't near my computer. So, I gave in to the temptation and sent one last text. She sent a text back and also said, "hi btw." What do you by the way, I text you like three days ago, but I am not going to get started. I am just saying, I sent a message and if you want me to say hi every time I start a message, I will.
    I wasted a whole day waiting for a FedEx person to pick up my package, but they never came. I have to wait for them in the morning tomorrow, but that isn't something I worry about because I am leaving my apartment by 12 am. So, I am not waiting that long for the delivery person. I talked to my classmate and we talked about being writers and what we want to do when we graduate.
     I am going to participant with the car wash tomorrow again, but it is the last day so all is well. Hopefully my day isn't as bad as it was today. I am signing off and will play some games.

Swim trunks, dance, and broken headphones

     So, it was day two of the three day car wash and I didn't get washing duty today. The reason that I wanted washing duty was because I wore my swim trunks. I wore them so that I could get wet, and I didn't get wet at all. I am pretty sad, but that wasn't the thing that mad my day bad. So, I skated to the place of the car wash and after denying to hold a sign, a block later I fall. I mess up my hands a little, my phone and headphones separated and this is when I should have put the two together. I should have wrapped my headphones around my phone, but I was bleeding.
     I didn't realize till an hour later that I didn't have my headphones on me, I looked for it and after observing, I found it in the street. I held a little funeral for it outside of Walgreens and went inside to buy new headphones. Now this is the part that shocked me, I was waiting behind this woman and I said hello and smiled at her. This is pretty normal behavior for me. When it was my turn at the register, I was asked if I had a rewards card and the answer will always be no. I don't go to Walgreens because CVS is closer to me. Anyway this woman lets me use her card and then puts down two dollars and tells the cashier to put it towards my purchase. I still have the two dollars because I don't carry bills on my person.
     I go about my day and I remember back to that event and I actually start dancing while holding up the sign. I wanted to get into it and I felt less embarrassed. I didn't say the woman's race because at the end of the day it doesn't matter what race she is because she did something that didn't benefit her in anyway and I respect that. The rest of the day was dancing like a fool holding a sign and going back to the school to attend a writer's panel. That was very informative and fun, I learned a lot from writers in the field right now.
     On my I am so lonely news, the girl that I have been talking to hasn't text me back. She is one of the two girls that I am interested in, but wouldn't be mad if we stayed friends. The thing is, if you don't text me back, I can't really get to know you. At this point there really isn't anything I can do, I sent a message that required more than a yes or no reply. I sent about 5 text already, so you already know that I am not going to text her anymore. At this point she has to text me or I don't have anymore tries and I can't continue. I haven't gotten anything so far, but when she texts me I will tell you all about it, but for now I will keep my feelings trapped inside. Like I always have and how it will always be.
     I should be staying inside for most of the day tomorrow, but I will try to put up an interesting post.

Soap, bikinis, and catcalling.

     So Spring Break is officially here with only one week off from school. Thanks for rearing your head uncle I really don't know. Spring Break starts on the 26th for me and my plans are just to write. I am going to help fundraise for the Jem project that I am working on by helping out with the car wash. My friends are leaving and I have no one to play with, so I am sad.
     As you guessed, the catcalling happened at the car wash and it didn't happen to me. A girl that I recently met named Stephanie was wearing a bikini to attract customers and there were responses. Guys whistling, barking, and saying idiotic comments. It made me feel disgusted as a guy and the reason she wore the swimsuit was to fundraise. I didn't wear a bikini because my body isn't as toned as it should be and I don't want to offend anyone with my skinniness. Tomorrow i will probably see the same thing, but I really hope I don't.
     My mac has been acting up and I will probably have to send it in for repairs. I will try to continue putting up these blogs and big news. I am going to start putting up video blogs on youtube, good news right. Will start off with the first blog post I made and will continue doing it till it catches up with my most recent blog post. I don't see it catching up any time soon because I am planning to do it weekly and I have written a lot of post, so hope you are excited for that. When I put up my first video I will update the about me page and also put it in blog for that day. I am officially done with classes until break ends and I am really hoping not to get another 9 am class. Till tomorrow.

I guess my hair is okay, but I would rather it straight.

     New York is the worst place, correction you will get insults for anything you do. I believe I told you before that my hair was very bad in high school, I got insults daily to cut it, but I didn't. I just wanted it long and that was it. If I cut it then it would never get better and I wouldn't be able to improve it in the future. You can't tell that to teenagers because they have no care in the world and they feel hurting you is better. The worst thing is getting insulted by someone that gets insulted on an everyday basis. He is short and wore Skechers every day, but I didn't call him against it, everybody else did. The thing is, if I got a haircut I would be made fun off, but people always find something to make fun of you. So you just keep the one thing that you are made fun of so that your other defaults don't come to light.
     There was someone who was always a jokester in class and made fun of everyone. He is good looking, acts, raps, and to my knowledge badly does comedy. I would say his name, but I would be giving him more air time and I don't want that to happen. Like I said, people would make fun of what my hair looked liked. My hair is curly, but very dry and the curls like headphones get wrapped up together and get tangled. Nothing I could help at the time, even now it does that, but I do not have to pull out the hair that is tangled.
     I like my hair straight and no I don't feel like I want to be white because I want my hair straight. I am mixed, but a mix that basically just equates to being black. I am native american Blackfoot and I am Trinidadian. I feel more at home with my native american side and I always wondered why I never had long hair. My hair color, my original hair color is brown and black, yes two different colors. It looks like one color though, but I kind of didn't like it because I would have these long black hairs and these brown curly hairs. I just one of the two, but I didn't get that.
     What I am trying to say is that sometimes it gets better and sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes the bullies get ahead in life even though they don't deserve it. It sucks I know, but we just need to focus on ourself, so that someday we can love who we are.

Not that busy of a day because I dropped things for one event.

     I decided to forsake two of the other events that I was going to. My mother would be happy to know that I am going to work. I am doing a play on the old cartoon Jem and it should be interesting because my first job is writing, but I will probably be working on the social media. I wanted to make it to the last event, but by the time the meeting for Jem finished it was already too late. Too much sadness, but I talked to that girl I was suppose to see tomorrow. Yeah I see you caught the suppose.
     She had errands come up at the last second, so I least I wasn't stood up. We are suppose to meet during Spring Break, but I have plans during Spring Break that requires doing work for the meeting I went to today. Momma your son is a working boy that doesn't know when he is going to get paid. So I was playing the division and time escaped me and that is why this post is late, I am sorry. Am I sad that I missed the events, yes, am I sad that I am not going to meet up with this girl, no. I am 20 about to be 21, and she is 18, probably just turned 18.
     At this point I want women my age so I don't really care to deal with someone who is younger. Also, she just started school and I am about to graduate in a few months, so that is slow. I want to focus on my work and not have to worry about being in a relationship, said the guy that hasn't been in a relationship for a worrying amount of time. It doesn't phase me and if I am always single, so what. What happens to me if I stay single, do I immediately join a singles club or will I be left alone. For one thing I know that my relatives will always ask me why I am single. I am such a handsome boy, you don't know me. Well I am done for now and I will try to entertain you tomorrow.

Days filled with nothing, but boredom.

     So, I basically did nothing today and that is all on me. I didn't really know what I should do with my time, so I played video games and discussed with my group for or group project. I go caught up on my favorite show Grimm and that was really all I did. So when 7 came around I realized that I can continue to write the story that I am making. My group project and procrastination has put that on hold, so I start writing and I think back to a few days ago when I submitted one of my stories to someone's magazine.
     The max was 3000 words and I was thinking to myself that I could crank that out in a day or two and I wasn't wrong, but it wasn't my best work. One of the characters die without explaining why she was in the character's place and I regret sending it now. I will go back and redo everything, but for now I am going to work on my current work. The sad thing is that it is already 8 and I have to get up at 7. You have to love those 9 a.m. classes. Stopping now would be the best thing for me to do, I am debating on making a new story to submit, but Ia feeling that wouldn't be nice to the story I already submitted. It isn't something that is bad, it just needs work.
     Time for an inspirational moment, I was not the same person I was in high school. We all change because at a certain point, we aren't kids anymore. As soon as I graduated high school, I started to pick my hair and that was the most painful thing I have ever done. That is what happens when you don't really take care of your hair. Well, I wouldn't say that. I wasn't taught how to take care of my hair, it was either you cut it or you put this greasy stuff into it so that it stayed moisturized. You are told to braid your hair and keep the braids in for three months.
     Now, there is something wrong with keeping it in for three months. In order to keep your hair healthy, you have to clean it, and you can't clean it if it is in braids. So many i's close together. My hair is dyed at this point and I know that dye destroys your hair, but I really wanted a specific color. I don't really think it completely destroyed my hair anyway because I have long strands of curls in my hair if I leave my hair alone. Well, I hope my hair doesn't die on me. I could have used dye, but I felt myself die a little inside when I thought it.
      I will have a very pack schedule tomorrow and hopefully I get the parts to complete my new skateboard. Tomorrow will be about my skateboard. Oh yeah I am also going to eat with this female friend of mine and it is not a date. I will tell you the details on Tuesday.

Nothing like a good condom to ruin your day.

     I do volunteer events every chance I get and today I cleaned up some trash near a lake. Now, I don't understand why or how you rip apart a beer can, why did you throw it on the grass. I dislike people as much as the next guy, but I hate when people litter. It is like the native american in me cries a little each time I see it. A ton of gum wrappers and paper, but the worst thing that I saw was condoms.
     This isn't the first time that I found condoms laying around. I found a whole bag of used condoms a block away from my school. That was gross, but you can tell they tried to throw it away, but something happened with getting it to the trash. Like you do all this work and you know that in a day or two people will litter again. You want to believe that they won't, but you know they will. My final statement, why are you have sex when there is a house a few inches a way. If you want to be freaky, go to an empty park with nothing around it. I sweated a lot today, so I will take a nap, and I want to say take another shower, but the rain took care of that.

To buy pizza, or not to buy pizza.

     So, I wasn't really craving pizza, but I got an email from Domino's. The have a 50% off on all menu priced pizza. Now, if I had a car, I would just drive to my local dominos and pick it up personally. Sadly, I skateboard everywhere, so I am going to miss out on this deal. I can eat one pizza pie and feel bad the whole day about eating a whole pie. Then again I will be hungry an hour later, so yeah. I didn't want to pay $11 for two pizzas, a small and a medium.
     So, I bet myself, if my team on smite is losing in kills at 5:20, not the actual time, but time in the game, then I wouldn't get the pizza. What does the team do, save me money by not getting the pizza. Now my stomach is growling and I want pizza now. Wasn't I suppose to talk about something important, try to keep a budget and be healthy. I had 8 something on a gift card to Publix, a grocery story, and I looked at the macaroni and cheese. I could buy a box of macaroni and cheese for 3 something, or I could buy elbows and another kind of macaroni for less. I did the second option and I have 2.19 left on my gift card. My mom would be so proud, but I am not going to tell her. It is hard budgeting because I have to go to school early in the morning and by the time we have our break, I am really hungry. There is only one healthy place nearby and it is costly because it is good for you.
     I hate that healthy food cost so much and fast food is cheap at the moment. I said at the moment because it is cheaper to buy groceries, but when you are outside all day, it is hard to not spend money when there is food all around you. I am happy I didn't cave in and buy Taco Bell, or the pizza they sell at 7 Eleven. That pizza is better than Little Caesars and it cost a little over 5 dollars. I am getting hungry, so I guess I will cook macaroni and cheese. I will have to wait until my roommate is done with the kitchen, but I will eat.

S&M? Maybe.

     It is 11:29 where I am currently at and I would have put up the post earlier, but school work comes first. I still haven't finished it, but it is reading and after I put up this post I will go back to it, I promise. So, I am totally a Samantha, definitely, not a Morgan. Truthfully I am more of an S because I don't like to receive pain. I guess it all came from getting hit so much as a child and always wanting revenge. An S, is a sadist, and an M, is a masochist. I definitely spelled masochist wrong by the way, anyway one likes to receive pain and the other likes to give pain.
     I don't really like pain because whenever I am in pain and receive an injury, I am always calm. I feel the pain, but I distract myself with other things. That is for a post that will probably never come. You can be in a damaging relationship and be into S&M. If you are someone in that type of relationship, then you should leave. Don't believe that you have to stay in that relationship, times have changed, we aren't shamed for getting divorced. You do get question why you are dating when you are in college, I am 20, let me live. If you learned about S&M from that bad movie, 50 Shades of Grey, I apologize for no reason what so ever. Read some erotica and see if you are totally into it.
      If you thought I was going to get into my sexual experiences, you were wrong. I am pure, nothing defiled about me. Get it, because I am free of judgement of all things. I am going to get back to my homework and you get back to whatever you were doing.

Gay?

     I shouldn't really hang out with him because he is gay. I would NEVER have thoughts like this because I don't have anything against gay people. There isn't anything wrong with gay people or transgender people. One of my roommates is gay and the other one is straight, I am closer to my gay roommate. We have a lot in common, I don't like guys as much as he does by the way. Tonight I told him that I wasn't a feminist, but I'm pro-women. He made me realize that I was a feminist. I was raise in a single parent household by my mother and there are more women, than men in my family. Like I said I am not a picture perfect heterosexual male. I treat everyone equally, it wasn't how I was raised, but I kind of saw that if you treated someone differently, that they wouldn't like that. They want to be treated the same way you treat others, but we put on our mask and act like they are special.
     My generation isn't the best, but there are people in my generation that don't care about race, sex, filtering, and I like that. We want to be individuals and if we try to follow a schematic that was given to us, then we aren't unique at all. We aren't really, us at all.
     I have dealt with a transgender woman before and the reason we don't talk is because of her. I found out she was a transgender in a very revealing way, but I wasn't ignorant. I had never really experienced being with a transgender woman before, so I was curious. I wanted to be friends, but every time I went over, she wanted to try something. I was not ready to start something like that and I understand that you are a woman, but to someone that has never experienced something like this, you have to give me some time to adjust. I know I am irresistible to every sex, but I am a friendly person, and some times signals get misread.
     I am a straight, black man telling you that gay people are awesome people, and that they should be treated the same way you treat others. If you treat everyone like dirt, I doubt you have friends, but I guess there will be someone out there for you. Tune in to the next episode when we talk about S & M.