This week I have been falling deeper in depression and it isn't because I had something devastating, well it is to me. My phone's motherboard is fried and I have to buy a phone in order to get a new one. I have been living these past few days without music and it sucks because that is when I can smile and relax. Skating and hearing music in my earphones, hoping next week I can get a new phone.
Depression has been with me since high school, always saying that I was bored doing a fun outing and I wasn't lying to myself. Now it is more frequent, I am bored every second, even if I am playing a fun game or watching an incredible show. I am not satisfied by anything and it is sad living in a world where nothing makes you happy. The only thing that made me happy was listening to music while I skate. I sit down and watch the walls, these white walls that cry out to me. I lay down to sleep and wake up, more tired than when I laid my head done. These walls speak to me, but I don't respond.
It took me a few days to realize that I didn't have to starve. I have about 30 cents in my bank account and it took me four days to realize that I bought a big box of ramen for this occasion. I could say it is because I am absent minded or because I was too tired to realize that I bought it. The truth is I don't care about food and I don't really want to eat because I like my body skinny. I think my body is too skinny at times, but I never change it because I was called fat as a child. I want to remain as skinny as possible so that I will never be called that again.
Love is something I won't allow myself to get because I don't even love myself. I don't know what love is and I don't want to. Why would I get into a relationship when I have so many problems of my own. I don't want anyone to see me go through things and I definitely don't want to talk about. My feelings are already killing me and there isn't a way to stop in.
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